Pregnancy messed with my hips and back quite alot and about 18 months after my first son was born, I was still suffering from sciatica. Finding that all the good intentions in the world did nothing to motivate me to exercise at home, I joined a gym as I figured that if I was paying for it, I would actually use it. I hate wasting money that could be spent elsewhere so thankfully this was the push I needed. I not only gained core strength which helped out my back but I also lost the majority of my pregnancy weight.
Skip forward a few more years and my third pregnancy saw my hips and pelvis so far out of whack that I couldn't walk without pain, a condition that didn't settle until bubs was almost 6 months old. Plus now my weight is back where I started. All of this I accept as a part of growing another beautiful little baby and while I know the numbers are bigger than they should be, I rarely look in a mirror so its been easy to ignore.
And then I tried to go shopping and none of the styles seem to suit and nothing fit right and I finally got to really look at my reflection and I don't know why I was so surprised but it brought me to tears standing there in that changeroom. There I was, 39 with three great kids and a hubby who loves me for all of me, and I hated what I saw. My sisters and my friends keep saying "but you've had 3 babies, its ok, no one expects you to look like you did before" and I get that, I mean I never was nor do I expect to ever be swimsuit material, but I also never expected to look like this with the extra rolls and loose skin. And taking away what I see, I also feel physically uncomfortable at this size. I can feel that my body's just not built to carry this much weight. I was so disappointed at what I saw and how bad it made me feel about myself that I made myself a promise that I would get back on track, that I would get back into shape and lose the weight that made my body ache, that I would turn this around. I would do right by me, for me.
With a fire under my butt I attacked my diet and exercise like I did when I was younger and managed to lose some weight but it was so hard to maintain and I'm still so run down from juggling a new baby and the rest of my already busy life that I'm much more susceptible to falling ill which stops any good intentions in their tracks and I wind up back where I started. I've realised that I can't expect fast results like I could achieve in my 20's. This is going to need to be a slow gradual process and I don't mind if it takes a long time as long as I do get there. But that's going to require continuous motivation and a lot of it.
I don't have much of a support network and by that I mean I have support but its very passive and ineffective. My family support me as long as they don't have to get involved or make adjustments to help me. In effect it creates more work for me to try to do something for myself. I can't simply swap out an unhealthy or unhelpful thing for something beneficial - it has to happen in addition to whatever is already expected of me or needed of me. I also know I can join forums or Facebook pages or community groups but having strangers tell me I "can do it" really does nothing to get me moving. I could rejoin the gym but at the moment I can't afford it and to be honest constantly having to stop because the little one wants/needs something is just going to piss me off to the point where I just won't go. But I know I need something to keep me motivated, to keep me on point because its just so easy to put it off for later or give up and fall back into bad habits, so I'm going to try something different. I'm going to make me my support person, my motivator, my exercise and nutrition buddy. I'm going to find what motivates me and let that little voice in my head have free reign in telling me to get up and just do it. I have no idea if this will work at all but I really want to make changes. I need to do this.
So I'm putting it out there - I pledge to be Fit By Forty. Though I will jump on the scales occasionally and notice if and when the fit of my clothes changes, I'm not fixated on a goal weight or clothing size. I just want to feel comfortable and healthy and have energy to be able to get out and play with my kids while they are still kids. But above all, I want to feel good about myself again.
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